very big things

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

You know how when you're on the edge of a Very Big Thing, and it consumes all of your time and emotions and energy? That's me for the past three weeks. Nothing official to be said about this Very Big Thing, but it still is just overwhelming my inner life right now. So much so that I have not spent enough time dealing with the Very Big Things that my children are struggling with.

Today changed that significantly. We got to the bottom of some specific struggles with one of our children and made good progress towards helping another one of our children through their issues. I'm battling a bit of guilt tonight for not being able to push through to the root causes behind some of the most difficult behaviors, but mostly I'm just angry. Angry because it's not fair that children should hurt. It's not cool that I have to hold my children while they cry because another adult in their lives hurt them. It's not ok that little minds and hearts have to bear the weight of grown men and women's stupid decisions.

I don't have answers for my children. I know it's common for American families to have the parents be the ones to keep their kids "safe" and "protect" their children from all the crap that's out there, and to some extent, that's true, but in real life? In the messy everyday of broken lives? It's not like that. It's not all safe. I can't protect them from everything. I can, however, sit beside them and hold them while they cry. I can tell them I hate what's happened to them. I can tell them that it's not right and it's not fair and they deserve better. I can tell them they are loved, no matter what.

I wish today had been different. Sometimes I wish we were a 'regular' family with a white picket fence and Sunday School behavior and no outside weirdness. But then I would miss the beauty that happens when I get to see healing in front of my own eyes. I wouldn't get that bittersweet elation that comes when my kids share something really, really hard with me for the first time. I wouldn't get to appreciate just how far they've come, just how much redemption we're witnessing. And honestly, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Do I regret the stuff that's happened to my kids? For sure.
Do I regret that we did this? That we exposed our oldest two children to hard things? That we welcomed hurt souls into our lives? That we are now a family through the miracle of choosing to love one another rather than just through biology? Not for a minute.

So, in my weeks of Very Big Things, both for us and our kids, I am reminded anew of how appreciative I am of my family. How blessed I am that they call me their mama. How I would do this all again and again, and how I can't wait for the opportunity to do more Very Big Things together.
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