dream big

Sunday, March 1, 2015

DeathtoStock_CreativeSpace6 11.45.06 AMDreaming big has never really been my strong suit. I leave most of that to my husband who dreams big enough for both of us. However, with adoption finalizations come a transition in status. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anxious to invite the agency intrusion as well as another child into this crazy mix right this minute, but I can’t help but wonder what’s next. Are we still a foster family? Our house is full, no doubt. 7 people in a little less than 1300 square feet is a challenge in and of itself. Does this mean we’re absolutely done until we move? What if we never move?

I do have dreams for what’s next. I wanted this coming part of our journey to look a specific way. I have a bigger home in mind. Not too much bigger, but one with enough space for us. The specific home I’ve been eyeing has an extra little apartment type area even. What if we could take this foster thing one step further and help a teenage mama? What if we could rent out that space super-low-cost to kids aging out of the system while still giving them some oversight and familial structure? Oh, I have dreams, and right now I have no place to make them come true.

In the meantime, we’re fulfilling that dream in a bit of a different way. We get to be involved in a kids’ life even though he doesn’t live with us. Just that small bit of life we get to share has changed me. Watching him meet his birth mom for the first time, watching him succeed and fail at becoming an adult, seeing what the lack of a family does to a kid who has never known one that is for keeps…it’s changed me. Now I have all these new questions: who teaches him what it means to be a man? Who is there to tell him that he needs to keep his license and registration on his visor instead of in the glove compartment? Who teaches him the value in going to bed on time and waking up earlier in the day? And who is there to tell him he’s worthy? That he matters? That he can dream big too?

I watch my parents struggle with what their role is in his life as unofficial foster parents of a technical adult, and I wonder the same thing for myself. Is there room for me to interject? To confront? To just simply give him a hug? And is this what we’re supposed to be doing right now? Is this the final answer to my questions of what’s next?

Don’t mistake this for discontent with where I’m at – it’s not like that. It’s more of a heart tug, a sense that there’s something else, just beyond my reach, that I haven’t quite figured out yet. The real conflict comes when my dreams collide with God’s plan. When things don’t quite end up how I hope. If I never get my dream house (and let’s be real honest, that’s not going to happen since it’s for sale right NOW), and I’m here in this tiny space with no room for anyone new forever, then I might feel a little boxed in. I might have some things to say about my hopes and dreams then. For now, I’m going to sit with them a bit. Share some of them with my people. Share some of them here. Hold some of them, the most precious, close to my heart.

I don’t know if this is what it should look like to dream big. Is it enough to stay put and wait it out? Is there a step I should take? Like I said, I’m not very good at this part of life. What I do know is that tomorrow I have to wake up and follow Jesus right where I am, even if my children are home on another snow day – Jesus, have mercy. Tomorrow, I will do what’s put in front of me. That’s big enough for me for tonight.

Do you have any dreams, friends, that you’re hanging on to and want to share with somebody? I’d love to know I’m not alone with all these questions tonight.


[image: death to the stock photo]

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