trust and the new year

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

This year may not have been the worst year on record, but heartbreaks, failures, disappointments, and even a gazillion good sort of things left my heart in a million little pieces. Tonight, I’d kind of hoped for Easy A and champagne sipping with my husband, but instead the bubbly sits lonely on my desk while I surf Netflix for something to watch. While I’m thankful for the quiet, I’m left alone with my thoughts and dreams, wishing I had not chosen to wear non-waterproof mascara today.

I hoped that we’d end this year more fiscally ahead, on our way to a slightly larger home that fits our foster-care dreams, with excitement over the future. Instead, we’re ending this year with a job change – and while it happens to be what we’re called to do, it is absolutely what we don’t want to do – along with some financial consequences, and I’m facing fears deep from my soul that I never expected to surface again.

I thought that we’d end this year as a complete and legal family of 7, but instead I sat in my bed last night listening to a baby who’s still not quite mine sleeping in the next room and a newer, more fragile family member giggling (boys are the worst when it comes to giggling) and exchanging ‘that’s right, brothuh!’s with my teenager downstairs over a video game. Building this new relationship has been the most beautiful kind of agony for our whole family. It’s been an awful long time since I’ve been on my knees with such desperation than the way I’ve been for this new partial-addition.

I thought that I’d end this year in a more peaceful, more surrendered position. In spite of all my protestations to the opposite, I find myself still trying to clench my fists tight around the things I want and hope and pray for, the things I’m just not quite willing to let go, the things that I’m trying to fill myself up with that just won’t satisfy. I tell myself yet again to let go. Open hands, Suzanne, open hands. Because surely if I say it enough times, then I’ll follow through, right?

DeathtoStock_Creative Community1Trust. That’s my word for 2015. I know it as sure as I know my own name. Honestly though, I feel a little weird picking it. To everyone else, I doubt my life looks like it’s in that much upheaval. We’ve been through far harder and far worse things, at least at first glance. These are the tricky bits: sometimes it’s the smallest of things that bring the world hurtling down around you. Sometimes it’s the most benign changes that reveal how controlling you really are. Sometimes it’s the beautiful things that bring the most pain.

Trust.

I lay my heart out before the God of mercy. I open my hands before the Father of Lights. I surrender to the One who calls me out into the deep, even when it’s the smallest of steps that makes me falter. He who has promised is faithful. I say it with my mouth; I believe it in my head. I want to think that I know it in my heart, but my actions would suggest otherwise. This year? I want to live like it’s true.

[image: death to the stock photo]

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