guard the good deposit

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

This year, the year of my yes, has nearly undone me in ways that’s hard for me to express. I’ll take the easy way out and quote Amber Haines (and if you have time to read a blog, you should be reading hers, not mine) from earlier this week:

“This has been a season of unravelling from myself, and though I knew the unravelling was good, I was terrified. It’s hard to let go when you don’t know what you’re becoming.”

Saying yes has stretched and broken me, and fear and trembling have become part of my daily vocabulary. Calling and authenticity and authority and opportunity crashing together in ways that I hadn’t anticipated, yet longed for all the same. Breathing in, I feel settled and full; jagged breath out leaves me terrified and still every breath is grace.

With a vulnerability that I didn’t exactly anticipate feeling, I share a small piece of my yes with you today. I was and am reluctant to share this anywhere at all. Anything that smacks of self-promotion, whether it’s me or others, makes me slightly nauseated, and even though this isn’t that and I know in my head the feeling is unjustified, it still feels a tiny bit distasteful. In spite of this small internet space where I share sometimes too much and sometimes the wrong thing, public platforms also make me uncomfortable…and yet this is all a part of the yes. I’ve been entrusted with a message, and hiding behind shame and pride that I’d prefer to spin as ‘humility’ isn’t the way I keep faith with my calling. Today, I’m taking the verses that I have taped to my desk, the ones I look at every single day, to heart. By faith, and all of it grace.

…But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me…by the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.
2 Timothy 1:12

 

Foster (short) from Jon Morton on Vimeo.

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