in the deep waters

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

We are on our way to Sweet M’s first visit with her mom, and my own littlest speaks a prayer from the very back seat: “Thank you that Sweet M is in our family. Thank you that she can go see her mama because she didn’t see her a long time when she was in the hospital a long time. We all love her and we love her so much and we love her to go see her mama. Everyone loves her. She loves everyone.” I’m overwhelmed by her simple prayers. I wish mine could be as pure.

It breaks my heart that my five-year-old’s desire is for Sweet M not to live here forever. Not because he doesn’t love her, but because “I just don’t want her to never live with her mama again.” I know that pain will always run deep for him. I know that desire for his first mama will forever be in his own heart, no matter how much I love him, no matter how much he loves me.

But in nearly the same way, it breaks me when during the drive, my oldest turns his face to the window, trying to hide his tears. I know he’s remembering how painful it is to say goodbye when we send kids we love, who have truly become part of our family, home. I know he fears the pain to come.

Fostering becomes so complicated. I’m not confused or in disagreement over the goal of this whole thing, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings don’t get all tangled up in the process. It’s taking us some time to sort stuff out, to try to keep our motives sincere, to maintain objectivity, to fight back the judgment when things fail and fall through again and again, when we don’t remotely understand why people make the choices they do. It’s a messy business, and sometimes I just struggle to keep my eyes focused up and my soul at rest.

 

 

We’re in the deep waters here, but as always, it’s where we’re finding the grace to stand.

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