Monday, February 11, 2013

I am so tired. I feel like I could crawl up into bed and sleep for eight days straight. I need a vacation. Unfortunately, our upcoming vacation is already full of planned activities, and just thinking about it makes me even more tired.

I get that it’s mostly stress. On top of losing Baby D, my dad had a heart cath today which disclosed some serious blockage which cannot be treated except through meds. I’m sure they’re confident in their pharmaceutical interventions. I am less so, and now I have the guilt over always refusing a cholesterol check at the doctor’s since coronary artery disease is genetic. I’ll probably continue to refuse. It’s how I do.

The children are exhausting. I wish for my own time to deal and grieve, but there is ALWAYS a child who needs help through their own stuff. I have a crier, a stuff-the-feelings kid, one with a physical tic that manifested once this whole Baby D transition thing started, and one who just can’t regulate when she feels stressed. None of them are sleeping well. I have finally given up on naps for the littlest because it makes her go to sleep super fast at night. Now, it doesn’t keep her sleeping very long, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning, she won’t go back to sleep. So my no-nap plan doesn’t result in her getting enough sleep, she is a holy terror all evening long because she’s so grumpy, but at least I’m not fighting her for two hours at naptime and then for another three at the end of an already long day.

All of that to say, I’m tired. Exhausted really, and there’s no time for physical and emotional rest. Tonight, I am thankful that my soul can find rest in God alone. (Psalm 62:1)

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