blessed and broken

Thursday, February 7, 2013

In the daylight, the goodbye seems like something I can handle. This is not exactly what we prayed and hoped for, but it’s the next best thing. We knew, we thought we were prepared, and yet, still, this is very nearly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know how I disillusioned myself into believing this was going to be really hard only for the kids. Or that it was some sort of detached feeling of pain that I would be feeling. It came a bit unexpectedly, the feeling of helplessness. The thought that maybe I can’t actually handle this at all.

Last night, I laid him to sleep in his bed for the very last time, heart breaking wide open. I sang sweet songs, breathed words of blessing. Never more aware of the prayers surrounding us, covering our sweet boy. Never more grateful for the women in my life who are loving me through this - the ones who are calling just to see how I am, texting prayers of encouragement across the miles, emailing nearly every day, praying without ceasing, holding my hand, hugging me close, through all of it propping me up when my knees threaten to buckle beneath me.

Today, 11 months, almost to the very hour, from when he entered our home, we will drop Baby D and his last few belongings in his new home. One where he’s loved and safe, but one that is not quite yet his home with people who will not quite feel like his family. In a few short hours, he will belong to someone else. He always did, we know, but for too short of a time, he was ours too.

Today, I am broken.
Today, I am blessed.



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