clarity please?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Today when I picked up our boy from his visit at the potential-relative-placement’s home, he wouldn’t come to me. On Monday, he didn’t run to the door as he had the first few visits, and when I told him it was time to go, he put up his little finger at me and said, “NO.” Fine. I get it; you’re having fun here. But today…TODAY he wouldn’t even come to me at all. When I picked him up and put his coat on, he leaned back towards the relative and fussed. I let him give her a hug goodbye, but when I took him again – same story. When I put him in the car to go home, there was louder complaining still.

It’s good that he seems to be adjusting well there. We love that, but it’s frustrating and frankly, a little bit hurtful for me to experience. Why doesn’t he love us like he should? He should be overly attached to us at this point. He’s been with us over half his life, he’s barely even a toddler, and do you know how much I worked for this baby to love me? I sang him lullabies, I rocked him to sleep, I taught him to play peek-a-boo with his hands. I did Theraplay techniques with him. Silly games, lotion, feeding sessions. I worked for this baby’s love, and I finally thought we were getting somewhere. Yet he’s so quick to dismiss that. That’s more painful than I expected.

I’m not sure why he loves it there so much. Maybe it smells like home to him. Maybe there’s enough similarity in familial features that makes him feel comfortable. Maybe he knows it’s his little sister who lives there. Is that possible? Do toddlers recognize siblings even if they’re not living together? That seems like a stretch, but I can’t shake my questions about the situation. It all leaves me feeling a bit like we’ve done something wrong. Shouldn’t he want to be a part of our family? Shouldn’t he be afraid for me to leave him, eager for me to take him home? I’m left with this strange mixture of relief and unease, not knowing what his future is or what I should even be hoping and praying for.

Combine all of this with a weird call about increasing parental visits next week, and I’m just not sure where this all stands. We have a caseworker meeting on Friday and court next week – could you pray for our family and sweet Baby D? We need peace, and the people who make the big decisions definitely need clarity. I’m praying they can see the right path even when it’s all such a big mess. I’m praying that Baby D’s future is bright, that he will be somewhere where he’s loved and cared for, that somehow, even if his family isn’t healed right now that what we’ve sown into his little life will be building blocks for a healing future.

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