Thursday, October 11, 2012

It’s been quiet here this week. I’m processing through some things, and it happens to be more in my head than on the page at this point. A little unusual for me, I know.

Unfortunately, the blog silence does not equal silence in my home. Baby D has been crying for two whole days. There are brief periods of reprieve, mostly when we’re driving, but he’s not napping, he’s not playing, he’s just crying, crying, crying. Oh, and screaming. Did I mention the solid hour he screamed with rage yesterday? A literal hour. The constancy of it is really about to drive me insane. I wish I were exaggerating, but today, I really almost started to lose it. Something about the pitch and incessancy is just worming its way into my brain and causing some misfires.

I wish I knew what was going on. Maybe it’s grief. Maybe it’s just anger. It is definitely not his pain/hurt/sad cry, so I don’t think he’s sick. I just spend most of my day feeling like he hates me. It doesn’t help that when Wendell comes in, it’s all smiles and hold me and glare at Mama time.

In the meantime, I’ve drunk gallons of hot tea, played Song Pop way too often, and watched mindless TV attempting to relax, relax, relax. I’ve spent a significant amount of time in self-talk: Let it go. Make smart choices. I am more than my feelings. I am more than my circumstances. It’s not working as well as I’d like.

In spite of how I feel, I’ll continue to swallow back my frustration and try to parent and love him the best way I can. Hope that I can continue to worm my way into his little heart. I really thought we were making some strides since visits have slowed down; hopefully this is just a glitch in our progress. In the meantime, I’m just praying for clarity and focus and compassion. Oh, and that Baby D stops crying.

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