already written

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I live with a nagging, unshakeable fear that I’m going to screw all of this up. This fear isn’t incapacitating; it doesn’t drive my life - it’s more of an undercurrent in my spirit. That little part of me that just doesn’t believe, doesn’t trust. I feel competent most of the time; about half the time I even feel like I’m living pretty well. Like I’m succeeding, like I’m in step with Him the way I long to be, like I’m truly fulfilling who I’m supposed to be, where I’m supposed to be. But then there’s the other times. The ones where, when this insistency pokes through, I feel like I’m just a few steps away from utter failure and destruction. I fear this whole thing I’m doing, this part I’m playing in God’s great big Story – maybe I won’t be able to actually do it long-term. Maybe I’ll completely fall off the wagon. Maybe my story won’t read too well when it’s all said and done.

Then I read this truth:
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139:16
God already knows. He knows whether or not I flub this whole living thing. He knows those choices I’m bound to make in the future that don’t completely honor Him. He knows all of it. Every single day of my life. He knew it before I was even born. And He loves me. It’s hard to get my head around sometimes.
This isn’t just for me, you know. Somewhere, somehow your whole story is already written out and finished too. If God knows it, if He knows the end already, and He still loves you today…I don’t know about you, but I usually can trust that He loves me today. I only doubt that He’ll love me in the future in some mysterious place where I screw all things up…if He still loves you today, knowing all that He knows…

That’s a promise we can live with. That’s a truth that can shape a life. Our stories – they don’t end so badly after all. We might screw this all up or we might spend every waking moment for the rest of our lives worshiping and following our Savior. (I’m voting for the 2nd.) Either way, this all ends with God loving us.

No matter who we are.
No matter what we’ve done.

He loves us…

He loves you.

Not because of what you do.
Because of who you are in Him.
Because of who He is.
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