Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I sit in a conference full of people that are journeying through some of the same things we are. People who are loving the orphan, who are bringing the fatherless into their homes, who are being with those who are suffering. People who are there to learn the same skills to parent their traumatized children well. I fear that I’m not really the same as these people I’m sitting near. That they’re doing this for real; I’m just pretending. That the past year and half where these are the exact things we’ve been doing has been an anomaly.

And I fear I don’t have what it takes.

What if I can’t keep up these skills for a lifetime? What if I can’t override what I have believed for most of my life are good parenting skills? What if I can’t do it right, if I can’t really be a part of healing for my children? What if I want to give up? What if I do give up?

I fear that I am not the person that I hope to be, that other people think I am. There’s something disconcerting about having people tell you how good you are at something. What a tremendous committed, focused, talented person you are. That is the person my children need me to be, but I fear I am not really that person.

I’m in the kitchen. The smell of hamburger browning, the sound of the dishwasher running for the third time that day, the attempts to keep the littlest from tearing open every box in the pantry, the littlest son from fighting with the dog, the youngest is singing incessant made-up songs, the oldest arguing, arguing, arguing. I fear that the worst of me, the yelling, impatient, nasty, and, frankly, just hateful woman I was in that moment is who I really am. After my embarrassing loss of control, my eldest son asked me why I was yelling at them so much. “It’s just not like you,” he says.

And I don’t believe him.

I fear that it is just like me. The other parts, the patient, loving, compassionate, committed, focused parts…I fear those are the parts that just aren’t like me. I fear that I am not that good person. That I am intrinsically, thoroughly, irredeemably not good. I fear that at some point in the future, all this good stuff will just go away. I’ll just be the ugly me.


Today, I’m feeling competent, successful in my parenting attempts. I’m seeing what I think is real fruit in our children. I treasure the moments of connection we’re experiencing. I look forward to my husband’s return from work. Yet, even on this day, even in this moment, I fear that I have created an illusion for myself. Where I think this is all possible. Where I can actually do it. Where I am becoming more Christ-like, where I’m an encouraging wife who makes my husband proud, where my parenting skills really are improving, where our family is a healing force in this world, beginning with our children. I fear that’s not really true. I fear that maybe there’s been a mistake. That I’ve been blessed with a husband that I can’t be enough for. That I’ve been entrusted with children that I can’t be enough for.

And I fear I’m not enough.


But in Christ…
I am chosen.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. Ephesians 1:3-8

I am anointed.
Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22

I am not the old person. I am made new in Christ.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17

I am called. I am in exactly the right place at exactly the right time…to do good things.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:10

I can do it.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

I am enough.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
For Christ is not only God-like, He is God in human flesh. When you have Christ, you are complete.
Colossians 2:9-10

Prompt based on What Women Fear by Angie Smith. Link up here. Read along with the Bloom community at in(courage).

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