Thursday, June 2, 2011

This past week was so heavy with processing that writing the gifts didn't even cross my mind. I think I can ride on my last gift for quite awhile yet.

We've had a lot of discussion about what it means to be here forever, what it will be like when we go see the judge (which is total conjecture since we have NO idea), and what it means to 'visit' with Mr. B's sister. Mr. B is still clearly so into the idea of being here forever. I thought maybe the excitement would wear off, but it hasn't yet. He told me, "I so 'cited." I'm not quite sure what he thinks is actually going to happen since things aren't really going to be changing all that much, but he's plenty happy about it anyway.

I also spent an entire afternoon yesterday poring over each of the kids' records. We have almost all of them at this point except for copies of their original birth certificates, copies of their Social security cards, and their Help Me Grow records which are apparently extremely detailed. I'm pretty excited about those since there are few people involved in this case who were in all of their homes, who saw them interacting with their mother, and the Help Me Grow worker has been there from the beginning. (Yep, that's right. They're not entitled to their original birth certificates, just copies of them. There are people all over this nation that have no access to their original birth certificates. Even our President had to get an attorney to arrange special exceptions)

When we started this process, I was unprepared for the amount of grief we would go through. Every step is just one more thing to grieve, for our children and for myself. Every single step is one more step of pain and loss. I grieve my children's loss - and there is just too much loss in their short little lives to even write out. I also grieve for myself - that I couldn't be there. I grieve that all I know of Mr. B as a newborn can be summarized in a page of statistics and two little footprints on a copied hospital record. I grieve that we don't even have Baby R's records. I wish I could've been there. If I had been there, Mr B. wouldn't have been sick so much. If I had been there, he wouldn't have been homeless. If I had been there, he wouldn't have been hurt. If I had been there, Baby R would've had a stable place to live with a mother that adored her every second of the day for every single day since she was born. If I had been there...

Yesterday was also the last time that the foster care worker will be to our home. It was fairly emotional - more for her than us obviously, but still. We have one more case worker meeting period. It feels a little surreal at this point. While I can't imagine our life without Mr. B and Baby R, I also can't quite get a handle on the fact that they will really and truly be ours for as long as we're both here.

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