lessons learned

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I totally missed yesterday's scheduled post. I've not been very successful in my disciplines this week. I feel like we're stuck in this major learning curve right now. You know, the one where you already know a lot of the stuff you should be doing, but you're just not doing it right now? Yep, that one.

...where I know that part of the way I can help Mr. B through his crisis (which is in its third week now and progressively getting worse) is to do our home therapy sessions every. single. day. Whether he asks to or even wants to.
...where I know that spending 10-15 minutes rocking him at bedtime every. single. night. will result in a smoother transition, less anxiety, and better outcomes for every one in the family.
...where I understand that I need to be turning around every 'no' and filling my children full of 'yeses'.
...where I realize that intentionally reducing our commitments and being more mindful of our scheduling will help all of our children, but most especially Mr. B.
...where my own spiritual and personal disciplines ground me a way that make me better able to care for my children and myself in a healthy and positive way.

Yep. That learning curve.

Apparently, I just need regular reminders that we are not a 'normal' family. Sometimes I forget. I start to require more of our children than they can give. I set them up for failure. I berate myself afterwards. I spend a lot of time crying, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for my children, but come on. It's my fault. Largely, anyway. I know the answers. (At least some of the answers.) They're just painful for me. It hurts me to back away from commitments. to not do all the things I want to do, to not have fun and party like everybody else I know. It hurts me to make choices on behalf of my children that makes them feel left out. It really hurts me to feel embarrassment when people don't understand our family choices, when they call us overprotective, when they think our discipline is too strict, when they think it's not strict enough, when they roll their eyes, even when they think that we don't like them because we have to make painful choices. I have too much pride to deal with that well.

Today, I read the most beautiful post over at Noisy.Colorful.Lively. She just so poignantly described the painful isolation that we experience as a result of being the 'secret keepers' and of protecting our family. Somehow it wounds my pride to have secrets. I think it's because I don't like to be misunderstood. I like to defend myself. I like to defend my children, and I can't do either. To do so would violate their stories. It would violate their being.

This whole painful journey is causing me to relinquish my pride. Bit by excruciating bit. Every time I feel like the hard part is about to end, and I let down my guard, get lazy, start pretending like we've got this all under control...that's when I'm reminded. I can't do this on my own. I want to. I want to hang on to my abilities and do it myself. (Yes, I am three years old inside) I want to be all that. Turns out I'm not. I need grace, both to give and to receive. I need strength beyond myself. I need this lovely online community I've found for encouragement, honesty, and accountability. I need someone a little more in control, a little more capable than I am. (Thankfully I know Someone like that.)


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