filling in the blanks

Monday, June 27, 2011

Piecing together our children's history has turned out to be even more painful than I imagined. Not just because of their stories, but also because of our part in them. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I don't wonder what about might have been or what should have happened. But here we are. Even though I believe with everything in me that Mr. B and Baby R were meant to be a part of our family, and for whatever reason, their older sister was not, it is still painful. I think this is a bit of tension that I will forever live with.

It's hard for me to hear some of the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes on with the case. Even though we suspected and pretty much knew a lot of the stuff, it is still painful to hear some of the things the powers that be said about us and our (soon-to-be) children. It's hard for me to hear that our situation really was as precarious as we suspected. I was holding on to some hope that we were reading too much into different decisions and certain conversations, but today we just received a little confirmation that we weren't. I'm not exactly sure why it's so painful for me to hear. I think it's because it makes me feel a little like we've done something wrong. Even though we've been told the whole time that we were doing such a great job, I can't help but feel like 'they' didn't want us to do such a good job. Like we were doing something wrong by doing the right things. How do we work within and work for change in a system that really doesn't truly want you to do a good job? For a system that would sometimes rather move children again than actually listen to you advocate for them? As always, I selfishly would have just rather this have all happened the 'easy' way. We meet foster parents for whom there was very little drama. They accepted a placement, and then they adopted the children. Fairly drama-free. That wasn't our lot, but I think even hearing some of the behind-the-scenes drama today makes me even more grateful and in awe of what God has worked out for our children. Most people say to us things like 'how lucky' they are to be in our family, 'what a gift' we've given them. The truth is, Mr. B and Baby R are God's gifts to us. We're the lucky ones. We're the ones God has blessed.

235. bittersweet joy at seeing old friends who live far away
236. a completely unexpected answer to prayer
237. a 'village' to raise my children with
238. a long-awaited victory for my oldest son
239. young men who listen to the Spirit's leading
240. orange fiery lilies opening to the sun
241. feeding hungry tummies
242. making up after a fight
243. opportunities to humble myself - to lay down my prider
244. cool breezes from a summer storm
245. God's unexpected blessing through disaster - sharing our lives with those displaced by flood
246. committed family of faith working together to make one spectacular week for our area's children
247. building connections, reassuring love to an anxious, scared three-year-old who is still just learning to trust
248. seeing God's hand guiding our journey, working it all together for our good and for His glory
249. the sweet blessing of our children. all four of them. God's gift to us.

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