quick vent

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Today is definitely not the day to ask me about doing foster care. I will not be encouraging. I often find myself defending FCS even when I don't fully agree with their decisions, but today, I cannot do that. I am so angry about what's happening with the kids that I can't even defend it a tiny bit. The only thing that is keeping me sane at all right now is that I know we're only a little over two months away from the end of all this.

Mr. B does terrible with sibling visitation. It causes him extreme fear and anxiety. He has actual physical reactions to visits (negative reactions). He has emotional reactions to visits. He very clearly verbalizes his hatred and fear of visits; he is not ambiguous at all. I've been cautious that we attribute too much to visits, but the behaviors associated with visits do not occur when we're not having them. In spite of this, FCS has deemed that visits will still have to occur through finalization. Which is actually OK with us, we want the kids to have a good and healthy relationship in the future. What is not OK with us is that they are requiring me to drop Mr. B and Baby R off and not permitting me to attend the visit. Apparently the way they feel is the best way to build a healthy relationship among kids is to let them just be by themselves. That makes sense to them, I guess. I have argued that this is a ridiculous way to help kids build a healthy relationship, but they are 'uncomfortable with a foster parent at the visitation'. Exact words. They are uncomfortable with a foster parent in the visit, yet they are comfortable with the same foster parents adopting these children and being their parents forever? Seriously?

My gut says this is just about one last grasp at control. It's stupid. These are children, not 'cases'. They are children who are continuing to be hurt by the system. It's just so infuriating. I have actually never left Mr B. and Baby R anywhere but with family at home or with family at my parents. Neither of them are ready for this type of thing in general, much less something that already causes them extreme anxiety. My stomach is full of knots. I feel nauseated. I've been having hot flashes. I'm angry with my body for dealing with stress with these physical manifestations. Halfway to a panic attack, but I am determined not to go there. Mostly because I'm all out of Ativan. I know it's kind of a ridiculous reaction, but I just can't get past it today.

I hope that Mr. B's knowledge of permanency will help him with the anxiety. My fear is that it will be extremely confusing for him. Today I am praying that it will either go way, way better than anyone is expecting or that it will go so horrendously bad that they can't help but see the impact. The in between stuff, which is what we've kind of been experiencing thus far is where the visit doesn't go visibly terrible, but all the anxiety and fear reactions come out when Mr. B comes home and feels safe again. I just don't want to put Mr. B through this for two more months.

Thinking about foster care? Better talk to me in a few days. Today is not the day.

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