Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Today reminds me of our first placement where there was court scheduled every week that would tell us whether or not Mr. R and Miss R would go home. We would wait and wait and wait, and then we would find out nothing. It was always on Friday, so we would never even be able to check on stuff until the next work week. I have such a knot in my chest today. There is supposed to be a meeting to decide some aspects of the future of this case. Namely, whether or not the siblings will be placed back together and whether or not the visitations would continue. This meeting was supposed to occur last week, but no decision was made. So it's to a different committee this week. We hope. We pray that something is decided. I wouldn't be as worried if we hadn't had a not-so-good introduction to the adoption case worker yesterday at the visit. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. I'm hoping this lady was having a bad day. I'm praying her opinions will not weigh more heavily than the evidence and opinions already submitted. I pray for answers.

I feel panicky and terrified, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to hope. Today, trust and hope feel far from me. I have no words to pray. I've just been reciting verses and singing songs and composing my own mantra - not of hope, not of trust, but of choice. That's all I have today. Just the choice.

God, even if we find out no news today, I still choose You.
If we find out bad news today, I still choose You.
If the road You have for us to walk is going to get much more painful, I still choose You.
If You allow unimaginable pain for Mr. B and Baby R, as well as Ben and Maggie, it'll be hard. I'll hate it. I might be really, really angry with You. But I still choose You.
I choose You.

I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 27: 13-14

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