fumbling through the weekend

Monday, February 7, 2011

Coming off a weekend that was full of normal-type events. Basketball games, church, church meetings, Super Bowl party with the dearest of friends and family, and yet...all of it punctuated by trauma. I wonder when or if my life will ever feel normal again. I feel like everything is tainted with the weirdness that comprises our life right now. I have fun, but it feels tinged with sorrow. I do normal things, but I feel slightly disconcerted doing them. I spend time with family and friends, but I still feel alone.

I know I'm being refined. I know God is developing strength and depth of character in me that I did not previously have, but sometimes I wonder if I'm succeeding at what God is calling me to do. I don't feel stronger. I don't feel more refined. Is it going to be all right? Is God good? What does God feel towards me? Am I faithful?

Maybe someday counting the gifts will not make me feel so inadequate. I'm just beginning this journey after all. So I choose to keep trying. I choose to persevere (isn't that the same as 'keep trying'?  I need to improve my writing skills). I choose faithfulness. I choose to count the gifts, again and again and again...

51. warmth from a kerosene heater
52. waking up to a world encased in ice, glistening with the morning
53. children in footie pajamas
54. safety during storms
55. Ohio Edison electric crews, working all night to restore power
56. the glow of many candles
57. close-by family where we can cook and use the bathroom
58. reading books to my children by candlelight
59. generators to keep our food from spoiling
60. electricity
61. online communities to provide encouragement
62. God working separately in Wendell's heart and my own heart to bring us together in unity in pursuit of a new, but clear calling in our lives
63. the silver reminder of hope around my wrist
64. family dance parties

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