birthday party

Friday, July 9, 2010

tonight we celebrated Mr. B's birthday a little early so Uncle Nate and Aunt Jen could participate since their wedding will clearly preempt the actual birthday day. :) Mr. B still has a lot of difficulty with parties. it's not like he can't handle them at all or even that he throws tons of fits and doesn't enjoy them - it's more of a tension that's in his little body and spirit during parties. he's just a little more anxious, a little more unsure, a little more controlling.  tonight went SO well though. We just had the family that he was most familiar with and most attached to - Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Nate and Aunt Jen, Uncle Larry and Aunt Katie, Megan, and Krista. All of his favorites.

I'm not sure if he's ever really experienced a birthday party or if he just had no memory at all of what birthdays are like, but he was a little scared of the cake and candle. actually, even when I was making the cake (he requested chocolate), he was fascinated by the cupcake process, thought the chocolate cake was a brownie - all things that indicated he was a little unfamiliar with this process. He was unsure of the presents.  He opened each card and each gift fairly slowly - savoring each one. He really, truly enjoyed every gift he was given.  he was really into the idea that these gifts were all his, but still so willing to share them with Ben and Maggie.

we had special play time on his new bean bag before bed time because I felt like it was important to tag the day with some nurturing activities. but even so, a couple hours after bedtime, he was up - a little distressed, even while sleeping, opening and closing the bedroom door. obviously unsettled. which just put a little tag of grief on my day. I'm wondering when or if we will ever have special occasions that aren't tinged with sadness. I feel like I can't even truly enjoy the moments like these because I don't know if they're really 'mine' to enjoy. When I say 'mine', I'm not even referring to the children so much as I am to the actual moments. everything is bittersweet, full of wonder, full of pain. watching Brenden love his party and his gifts and his for-now-family only reminds me that he has no forever-family right now. It might someday be us. It might someday be his mother. It might someday be someone else entirely. and who will be able to enjoy these moments then? will he remember? will I be able to remember without pain? sometimes I feel this loss so much that it takes my breath away.  

so today, right now, it's midnight.  a new day.  I'm putting it aside for now.  for at least the next half hour while I worship my Savior.  who loves me more than I believe sometimes.  who loves Mr. B and Baby R more than I ever can.  who loves.

the medicine - john mark mcmillan: this album has ministered so much to me over the past two days.  I have a strong dislike for much of what the contemporary Christian music culture has done to art and music and true worship and calling, but this.  this is organic and raw and the divine meeting the humanity in music.  the kingdom here among us.  this is a song probably more famous because of which bands have covered it, but I prefer this version...and this far.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

This morning, I am treasuring my sweet, sweet mornings...
sweet Baby R smiles before she goes down for a morning nap
sweet jammy-clad children coloring 'pwetty houses' in the streaming sunlight
sweet sleeping newly-hormonally challenged oldest, wondering why I had wake him up when it's only ten

"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware,
joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."
-Henry Miller
CopyRight © | Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan