Terrible Days

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Mr. B has had three really, really terrible days. I have literally spent the entire day with him all three days. He wants to control every tiny thing, and full-on fits ensue when it doesn't happen. It's so obviously driven by something other than regular 2-year-old defiance and independence. Something deeper is going on, and we can't quite reach it. I think that it's mostly fear. I wonder if he's really starting to feel safe and secure and love towards our family, and maybe that frightens him. There's a lot of anxiety built up in his little being, and I want so badly to relieve it. It is so frustrating - not his behavior, but the fact that I can't fix his problems.

I also know that there is a spiritual component. We are in a battle for his healing and wholeness and happiness. For his future. That's a physical battle and most definitely it's an emotional battle. But beyond that, it's a spiritual battle. Fortunately, we have the Healer on our side. I'm just praying for His intervention. Mr. B needs His healing touch, and Wendell and I need His strength because this is beyond what we can do on our own. This is the hardest thing that we've ever done. This is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I wasn't prepared for the depth of what this would require of us. It wasn't really my intention to be this invested; I intended to protect myself from some of the emotional fallout in case these children are moved from us. I realized over the past three horrible days that I'm all in. I have to be. It's what Mr. B needs to heal. How can I protect myself at the expense of his healing? How can I not love him with everything I have? How can I not surrender all of myself to what God has called me to do? Anything less would not be obedience. Anything less would not be true love.

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