Case Progression

Friday, May 28, 2010

We went to our first team meeting a couple days ago. It was very interesting. Almost every person involved with the case was there - foster parents, therapists, nurses, Help Me Grow worker, CASA worker, case worker, and the grandma who is interested in keeping them. Everyone was very frank on how the kids were doing, and what their feelings were on their placements. While most of them aren't really professionally free to 'recommend' where the children should stay or move to, they were all very frank on how pleased they were with the current placements and how well the kids are all doing.

It's difficult for me because Mr. B and Baby R are definitely not our children. But in very real ways, we are their parents. I don't know what the future will bring for our family, but for right now, they are part of our family. That feels very right and very scary all at one time. If I didn't feel like they are part of our family, it would be far easier to let them go someday should that be what is required of us. Continual patience, grace and strength are my never-ending prayers right now.

Learning to Love

Monday, May 24, 2010

We are almost six weeks into this particular journey, and I have so much swirling in my head that I've been unable to even write it down. When Mr. B and Baby R joined our family on April 15, I had no idea that it would end up being the opportunity that we had been praying for. The beginning of this story has been much more difficult than I had even imagined.

The challenges of learning to parent a child with a traumatic past and attachment difficulties has been difficult, yet so rewarding. When I was pregnant with Ben and Maggie, I grew to love them then. When they were born, they were so dependent on me that they immediately fell in love with me and I with them. It's beautiful, but simple - it's mostly just biology. The way God created bonds to be naturally formed. With Mr. B, he is choosing to love me. The reward is, frankly, more fulfilling. Every time he chooses to ask me for help, every time he chooses to look me in the eyes and trust me, every time he asks me for some kind of nurturing activity - he chooses to love me. Building our relationship has been the biggest challenge and blessing of my life. I am a better parent to all of my children because of the few weeks that I've been blessed to share with Mr. B. I am a better person because of the patience and commitment that parenting Mr. B is building in me. I am closer to God because I'm absolutely dependent on Him to help me do this since it is WAY too difficult to do on my own. I have such a deeper understanding of my adoption in God's family. The joy I feel when Mr. B chooses to trust me, when he chooses to listen to me, when he learns to regulate his emotions and make the right choices - that's just a tiny taste of what God must feel when I choose to trust, when I choose to obey, when I choose the best path that He's laid out for me.

And yet...I pray with all of my being that God has not chosen us to walk further down the path of suffering in this particular journey. There has definitely already been suffering for Mr. B, for Baby R, for Wendell and I, and for Ben and Maggie too. The suffering that will occur should Mr. B and Baby R have to leave our home will be far greater, and selfishly, I pray that's not where this path is taking us. If so, I pray for the grace and courage and strength to handle what may be coming...
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