new year, new hope

Friday, January 1, 2010

I know that I've been less than faithful on my plans to blog. Frankly, I think I've been slightly depressed and more than a little angry about the fact that we do not yet have another placement. I have to struggle with difficult questions: what is God calling me to do right now? did we miss His calling with the direction we took with foster/adoption? should I ignore my intuition and continue to try to "have a baby"? would I even be able to conceive and would I be able to have a healthy pregnancy? what if two children is all God has for our family?

This is a new decade, and while I am frustrated after waiting nearly five years for another child, I still have hope. That hope is tinged with sadness today, but still hope. So much is good about my life - I finally feel like I am connecting with God regularly, deeply, intimately after 3 years of being clouded by illness...we are serving as a family in many different venues, and it's deeply rewarding not only for me, but also for Ben and Maggie...we have exciting plans for this next year...yet still I long for more, for something new, for something hard and challenging and life-changing. It's difficult to explain to our children why they are the only children in our family. It's difficult to talk with Ben about Ryder and Rylee, about why they went home, about missing them, about the children that may come into our family in the future. I pray that God has something spectacular in store for our family in 2010. Hope.

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