empty house again

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Miss O went home yesterday. This morning Ben came into my room and says, "the house feels so empty without Miss O, Mama." He's right. Our house feels empty again. As does the space in my heart waiting for a child who can live with us forever.

I'm glad she got to go home to her parents, but we definitely miss her. She never was ours nor did she ever feel like ours. If she hadn't spent the four days before she went home sick with a double ear infection and a terrible cold, I probably would have felt better about sending her home. But all I feel right now is exhausted and a little depressed. While she was here, I had something to occupy my time and thoughts, but now that she's gone, I feel all of those angry and sad feelings coming back. As much as I want to wallow in my misery however, I recognize the unhealthiness of that. Time to look foward, keep working, keep praying, keep hoping...

a bit of grace

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Almost two weeks ago, MIss O came to live with us. We know she's not with us permanently, and frankly, I hope she's not with us for long because her mama is very capable of caring for her. She's just caught in a system that really doesn't want her at all, but government moves so slowly.

However, I feel like she's a tiny bit of grace in my life right now. She's so easy to care for and such a good baby. She has inspired me to remember what we can do in this system. I feel ready for something harder, something more emotionally involving, something with the possibility of permanence. While I wait though, I can enjoy her smiles and kisses. I am still praying for her reunification with her family, not only for her sake, but for our family's as well. Ben is completely infatuated with her, and I have concerns for how attached he is to this particular baby. I want him to attach and to love MIss O. But I know what's coming, and it will be painful for him. I don't want my children to hurt, but I am immensely proud as a mother to see their compassion and caring hearts towards others. They are learning at a very young age what it's like to love like Jesus does. That's what I've prayed for and will continue to pray for in their little lives.

new year, new hope

Friday, January 1, 2010

I know that I've been less than faithful on my plans to blog. Frankly, I think I've been slightly depressed and more than a little angry about the fact that we do not yet have another placement. I have to struggle with difficult questions: what is God calling me to do right now? did we miss His calling with the direction we took with foster/adoption? should I ignore my intuition and continue to try to "have a baby"? would I even be able to conceive and would I be able to have a healthy pregnancy? what if two children is all God has for our family?

This is a new decade, and while I am frustrated after waiting nearly five years for another child, I still have hope. That hope is tinged with sadness today, but still hope. So much is good about my life - I finally feel like I am connecting with God regularly, deeply, intimately after 3 years of being clouded by illness...we are serving as a family in many different venues, and it's deeply rewarding not only for me, but also for Ben and Maggie...we have exciting plans for this next year...yet still I long for more, for something new, for something hard and challenging and life-changing. It's difficult to explain to our children why they are the only children in our family. It's difficult to talk with Ben about Ryder and Rylee, about why they went home, about missing them, about the children that may come into our family in the future. I pray that God has something spectacular in store for our family in 2010. Hope.
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