Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My hope is that this blog will adequately chronicle our journey through adoption, but I'm wondering how I can possibly be eloquent enough or passionate enough or even honest enough to make this blog work. I have so much stored up that I feel inadequate to put it all into words, and I'm not even sure that I want to share all that's there anyway. I'm scared to share the dreams that have been so close to my heart for so many years; I'm afraid they will be trampled on, discouraged...pearls before swine and all that. One thing I am sure of, however, and that is that I want my children to someday know what I feel now. I want them to know what their father and I went through, agonized over, prayed about, rejoiced in...what we hoped for.

Hope has been the theme of my musings and meditations for the past few months. I have so much hope for the future right now. I feel like Wendell and I are finally living wide awake (thanks Erwin McManus) and fully alive. We've spent all this time waiting. Consoling ourselves with what seems to be excuses at this point. All of those times we've told ourselves that we want to be able to follow God's calling anywhere, but we want to make sure that we've done everything ahead of time to make ourselves available. At this point, I think God's telling us that we've been waiting in fear. There is no point at which we will be 'ready'. There is no bad time to move ahead with God's calling. Not when the calling is NOW.

So we move ahead. We're not choosing the safest place or way to live our lives and raise our family. We definitely haven't chosen a conventional path, but we feel like God has called us to this upside-down, risky, beautiful sort of life. Growing up in the church, we have both been taught that the Christian life means that your priorities are different than that of the "world". However, I feel like the church has failed a lot of my generation by teaching us priorities that are patterned after other Christians rather than after Jesus. We want to live like Jesus lived, act like he acted, hurt the way he hurt, love how he loved... Hopefully this blog will as much a chronicle of our journey to follow Jesus more closely as it is a record of our adoption journey.

We don't get to experience the joy of sharing a pregnancy with everyone around us; I don't have a big tummy (as Maggie would say), but we are expecting nevertheless. Expecting a new member of the family, expecting change, adventure, risk, and pain, but in the end, expecting love to win, peace to reign, and hope to pull us through.

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